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Parallax - Advice

September 12, 2005

Not the only one?

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question! I've been seeing this guy for two years. Recently, I found out he was seeing two other women at the same time, and making them think (as I did) that they were special. Marriage even came into the conversation for two of us. How can a man pretend to be so good and do this to women who really care for him? Is it an ego thing or is it possible to care for more than one woman? He still won't admit to being anything but friends with them, even though one said he discussed marriage with her. Is he capable of love at all? I left him, but I'd like to find out what makes a man do hateful things like this to someone he supposedly loves. Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Not-in-love,

It's simple. He's just a jerk who wants to date more than one woman. When he realized that no woman would go for this, he lied so he could have his proverbial cake and eat it too. You have to give him credit for intelligent scheduling. It's tough to balance two marriage-bound relationships.

To answer your question directly-he was not trying to deliberately hurt you or this other woman. He just doesn't care about either of you, but would like to have sex with both of you. The shortest path to that is to say those three little words women adore.

Don't ponder endlessly about this, and don't waste another minute on him. He's just a player who is sleeping around. Next time, choose more carefully.

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His view:

Dear Not-in-love,

There are two interesting questions here. One, admittedly, is regarding this shady, scumbag of a man. The other has to do with you and the other 'women' who were 'victimized.'

Question #1 is frankly not very interesting. But I would venture a few guesses. Low self-esteem or profound insecurity? Pathological liar tendencies? Downright meanness?

Question #2 is more relevant to you. I wonder how you can date a guy for two years and never notice that he has two—not one, mind you, but two—other women on the side. I really wonder whether you just found out, or whether there were signs and suspicions that you ignored. And if you didn't, I wonder how the two other women could also have been so blind. I mean, either this guy is the smoothest conman, or the so-called victims are guilty of wishful thinking and turning a blind eye to the problem, hoping it would go away.

Whether you suspected or not, take this opportunity to look back and recognize all the signs you missed or ignored. The lesson here is that now that you've been exposed to the likes of him, if it ever happens again, only one person can be blamed.

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You Vote! 69% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 31% with HIS VIEW.

57% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 43% with HIS VIEW.

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