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Parallax - Advice

February 2, 2004

Desperation

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Why are some people so desperate in their quest to find love? Why do they cling to the first person that shows the slightest interest? Why do they refuse to let go...even in the dying days of a doomed relationship? In a world teeming with prospective mates and golden opportunities, it's hard to fathom the degree of desperation. Our Conversely cupids take aim and fling arrows.


Luck o' the Irish?
Not this time!
 Date: 02/02/04

Nice guy?
Remember the finish line.
 Date: 02/02/04

Miss Used.
Master User-Loser.
 Date: 02/02/04

More advice...
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Luck o' the Irisn

Dear Conversely,

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I split up with my girlfriend six months ago and went back home to Ireland where I thought I would be happier. We had been arguing a lot and the trust was gone from the relationship. Three weeks later, I realized I had made a terrible mistake. I still loved her dearly and, although she agreed to me coming back, she couldn't promise anything would work out. I spent three months living with her, trying to regain her trust, doing everything I could to make her want me, but I moved out when I thought I would take the pressure off her. It's now six months down the line. She maintains she loves me, but is too scared of getting hurt again because of past boyfriends who have two-timed her. I don't think it's fair to compare me because I have stayed true to her. I can't seem to let her go. I have never loved anyone this deeply and it is completely messing up my head. I have no self-esteem anymore and I feel negative about everything. Is there anything left to try?


Her view:

Dear Irish eyes,

Your question certainly begs the follow-up query of why you left her in the first place, but these things happen. You've tried to smother her and be around her continuously to improve your odds, but it appears you were less than successful. Perhaps you must give her time with herself to see if she can make her way back to you on her own. Pestering her, coupled with all sorts of self-doubt and nervousness, will not make you a catch.

How about spending time on you for a couple of months? Get yourself together; get some help, if you need it. Keep in touch with your girl peripherally, just to let her know you're around, but let her be for a while. You're pushing her too much.

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His view:

Dear Irish eyes,

You had a second chance and it didn't work out. It doesn't matter whether it failed because of her reluctance or because you were too desperate and tried too hard.

Now you're wondering whether a third will be the charm.

Fat chance. Especially given your current disposition. Who wants to be around someone with no self-esteem and 24X7 negative feelings?

Your only course is to let go. Don't get caught up in your self-pity and 'never loved anyone this deeply' drama. I mean, we all go through that at one time or another. Most of us get over it. Yes, it's tough, but at some point it just becomes an excuse to feel sorry for oneself. It sounds as if you are way beyond that point.

Who knows? Maybe one day she'll come back. Maybe it will be 'great again.' But most likely she won't, and it won't.

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