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Parallax - Advice

August 25, 2003

Fine Whines

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This week, we offer a selection of fine whines. Whine number one is 'regretful, yet cloying...with a funky aftertaste.' Our second whine is an 'elderberry blend lacking in clarity' while whine number three seems 'thin and shallow...in need of aging.' Our tasters write spirited reviews.


Cheater's lament.
Too little, too late.
 Date: 08/25/03

Does age matter?
Of course!
 Date: 08/25/03

Sex + NO SLEEP.
Does not = DEEP.
 Date: 08/25/03

More advice...
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Cheater's lament

Dear Conversely,

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I've been in love with this girl for three-and-a-half years and she loves me, but I made a mistake by cheating on her. I can't imagine myself without this girl and I need her in my life. I called her and told her I was sorry. She responded by saying, 'You have made me go through Hell.' I said, 'I regret this. It was a mistake that I made that I can't change.' Then she tells me that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I hung up the phone and felt depressed. A day later, her cousin tells me that the girl I love has a boyfriend. From your point of view, does it look like she is just trying to get me jealous, or is she really moving on?


Her view:

Dear Cheater,

Not clear. Girls do mysterious things when scorned, and being cheated on is about as scorned as one can be. You are lucky she hasn't lit your house on fire.

She may be trying to hurt you by fabricating a new boyfriend in what was formerly your territory. And she may have genuinely moved on—people do that more quickly than you'd think. I'm not sure it matters for you because you are in the doghouse forever. She wants nothing to do with you now. Even if she did, she would never trust you again.

So you've screwed up badly and there are consequences. It's time to focus on yourself and figure out why you feel the need to cheat on someone you think you love. Maybe it won't happen the next go around if you're a little introspective now.

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His view:

Dear Cheater,

One of the advantages of feeling depressed and lonely is that the world really does revolve around you. If the TV doesn't work, it's telling you something. If the bus leaves without you, it's because the driver doesn't like you. If another landmine blows up in Iraq, it is certainly a sign that the world has turned against you.

So, of course, you should not be in the least surprised that your ex is plotting against you. You should not find it strange that she has set out to live the rest of her days in the single-minded pursuit of your misery.

Forget about this new boyfriend—he's only the tip of the sword. She's going to do other, more dastardly things. She's going to have other boyfriends, one after the other. She's going to go on one-night stands. She's going to date several men at the same time. She's going to get engaged and then get married. And worst of all, she's going to fall in love—unbelievable, fairytale love—and it's not going to be with you. But it is going to be because of you.

All of this and more will she do, in order to make sure that she gets back at you and you learn your lesson.

Cheaters, beware!

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