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Parallax - Advice

February 10, 2003

The Cheat Beat

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There's a Swedish proverb that says, 'Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things will be yours.' Well, almost. All good things will be yours, unless someone cheats. This week our letterbox is stuffed with cheating queries. Our honest, faithful, loyal, true and steadfast advisors offer words of wisdom.

Searching for signs.
Cease and desist.
 Date: 02/10/03

Cell phones & pictures.
Dial 'C' for Cheat.
 Date: 02/10/03

An affair to remember?
Forget it!
 Date: 02/10/03

More from last week...

Searching for signs

Dear Conversely,

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I've been dating a wonderful girl for seven months now, but I'm worried she's cheating on me. I went on the Internet, researched the signs of a cheating girlfriend and found quite a few of them strike a chord. I am really in love with this girl, but she recently told me that I feel much more strongly about her than she does about me. I don't want to smother her or drive her away by being suspicious, but this is really worrying me. What should I do? I don't want to lose her, but I want to know the truth so I can make a decision on what to do. Can you help me? Please?

Her view:

Dear Search & Rescue,

You need to decide whether or not your girl has the potential to align her feelings with yours sometime in the near future. You'll need to define 'near future' and how long that means to you. Frankly, you have bigger problems than your cheating suspicions. The disparity in your feelings is not good. Have you had an open discussion? Have you told her you love her? These are good things to do in an open caring relationship—she may not know how you feel.

If she does know how you feel, and has told you that your love is unrequited, you need to make a decision on how long you are willing to wait for her. If she doesn't love you, the cheating potential here is just a symptom. If she does not love you now—and will not love you soon—then, frankly, there is no way around that cheating.

Force a candid discussion and figure out exactly where you stand. If you aren't happy with the outcome, perhaps a reset on the relationship, or some time off, would help both of you figure things out.

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His view:

Dear Search & Rescue,

Well, she may or may not be cheating on you, and there is little you can do about that. Smothering her and being suspicious and doing research on the Internet will not change her behavior. It's natural to want to know the truth about her potential trysts, but it's also an evasion of the underlying problem on your part.

In other words, regardless of whether she is cheating or simply acting as if she were, your relationship is on the brink. You are in love but she is not. That is the main issue; a relationship cannot survive long with such an imbalance.

It is possible that you would hasten the end by accusing her of cheating, whether she was or wasn't sleeping elsewhere. On the other hand, if you remain silent, you could gain enough time for her to come back around to you—maybe even fall in love.

Then again, you might only be hoping to prolong a final chapter whose end has already been written.

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You Vote!

You Vote! 22% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 78% with HIS VIEW.

0% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 100% with HIS VIEW.

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