November 4, 2002

Choice Cuts

Finding the love of your life will probably involve a mixture of chance and choice. This week, by chance, we meet three people who are facing choices. Will they choose wisely...or choose poorly. Will it be the ex-girlfriend or the new girl? The romantic or the guy who claims he doesn't know how? The pursuer or the one who feigns indifference? As our advisors explain, every choice comes with a price.

Dear Conversely,

I've had a girl friend for two years and I love her very much. A couple months ago I broke up with her and started liking another girl. Now, I am in love with both of them. I would really like some advice on what to do because I don't know whom to choose. My ex and I both admit we still love each other, but I am truly falling for my new girl. I do know what the difference is between love and love, so I would like to know what to do.

Dear Lovin',

Quite a dilemma. I don't think you are in love with said 'new girl' because it is just too soon. You have what is called infatuation. It may become love—the only benefit you'll have is twenty-twenty hindsight.

You do have fifty-fifty odds of choosing the right girl; the bet you place will be as good as any. Having said that, it is important that you make a choice. Do not look back, reconsider, try to switch, cheat, etc. If you do not choose—and do not choose whole-heartedly—you are guaranteed only one outcome, and that is the end to both relationships.

One trick? Flip a coin. If it's heads, you choose former girl; if it's tails, go with new girl. Set clearly in your mind that no matter which girl pops up on the coin, you will go with it. When the coin is in the air, see which way you hope it falls, and then go with your gut.

One small caveat—don't play the infatuation game. Novelty can be a little too exciting, and makes for bad decision-making.

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Dear Lovin',

Given how screwed up the situation is already, I would suggest you try going out with the new girl for a while. She probably deserves the opportunity, and she might make you forget about your ex—perhaps sooner than you think possible.

If she doesn't, and you're still pining over ex in a couple of months, you can conclude one of two things. Either you should go back to your ex because it is her you truly love, or you should find a new 'new girl' to see if she can do a better job of getting you over your ex.

The good news? Since you do know the difference between love and love you won't be surprised to find your ex has moved on to a new love—if and when you do come crawling back to her.

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