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Parallax - Advice

October 7, 2002

Fair Play

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All is not fair in love and war. And let's be honest: Nobody plays fair when they're losing. If you had to choose your best chance at love, would you: a) choose someone who is eighteen years older/younger than you; b) choose someone who is already married to someone else; c) choose someone who hates your family; or d) none of the above? Of course you'd choose 'd.' Wise choice. Unfortunately, none of our letter writers was as insightful. Our advisors in 'matters of the heart' explain the game rules.

He's talking love.
She's taking leave.
 Date: 10/07/02

Her boyfriend's back.
With his wife.
 Date: 10/07/02

He likes family ties.
Knot her.
 Date: 10/07/02

More from last week...

He's talking love

Dear Conversely,

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I am thirty-two. For the past two years I have dated a woman who is eighteen years older than me. We have a lot in common and love being with each other. Last week, she told me it was over because of the age gap. I don't have a problem with it. We go out, and I feel comfortable about it. Nobody has said anything about it—not even our friends. I love her. What should I do? Accept her breaking up with me or give her time to think about it?

Her view:

Dear Lover-boy,

This is a time for you to show her that you're worth it. Inundate her with love and affection and try to win her back.

Prove that the two of you can overcome all your issues around age. Send flowers, notes and poems—break out all the stops. If she still doesn't cave then you'll have to walk. But a two to three month onslaught is appropriate.

My guess is that if she really cares for you, she will give in.

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His view:

Dear Lover-boy,

Telling someone you're breaking up 'because of the age gap' is like giving the person the headline but neglecting to read the full article to him or her. Amongst the vast universe of age-gap factors, there are probably only a few that are driving her decision.

Maybe she thinks she is being selfish by dating you. Maybe she thinks you should be seeing someone closer to your own age. Perhaps she finds you too virile and healthy. Maybe your parents called her and told her to find someone her own age. But why speculate? Why not ask her? A fifty-year-old woman should be able to articulate her issues in more detail.

You do have to wonder, however, why she would abruptly break it off. Especially after two years of trouble-free dating someone who could be mistaken for her son. My guess is there is another possible interpretation of 'age gap' here. Could it be you're getting too old for her and she's gone off and found herself a more pliable twenty-eight-year-old?

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You Vote! 19% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 81% with HIS VIEW.

20% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 80% with HIS VIEW.

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