Advertisement
Logo

Featured Artist

Parallax - Advice

September 23, 2002

Overtime

Ask us a Question!

You know it's over when you drink too much. Smoke too much. Eat too much…or stop eating. Sleep too much or can't sleep at all. Talk too much...or mentally write speeches that begin, 'We have to talk...' You know it's over when you cringe on hearing 'your song' on the radio. When sex is boring and work seems enticing. You know it's over when it's over. This week, we meet three couples in the know. And as our experts of love explain, knowing is one thing...doing something about it is another thing.


From awesome...
...to tiresome.
 Date: 09/23/02

Head over heart?
More time apart.
 Date: 09/23/02

She's singing a new tune.
He's humming the oldies.
 Date: 09/23/02

More from last week...
Bar

From awesome...

Dear Conversely,

Email to a Friend

I have been dating a wonderful man for almost four years. In the beginning, things were better than great! It was awesome! Now, while things are still good, he has become a lot less physical. Not just sex, but all types of physical attention, hugging, kissing, touching, teasing (good kind) and cuddling. I've asked him if there is something wrong or if something has changed, and his response is, 'I'm used to you now,' or 'I'm comfortable with you now.' I am beginning to feel lonely. I was so used to being adorned with affection and now I get a peck in the morning, a peck before I leave for work and a peck goodnight! Am I being horrible, wanting more? Or is he right? We've become pretty comfortable with each other and the play seems unnecessary, but I like it.


Her view:

Dear Rejected,

What you have is a mismatch of your physical needs. The novelty has worn off and his current demeanor is what he prefers when he is in a serious and comfortable relationship. It sounds as though it is not ideal for you, but you have a few options.

First, there is 'hard to get.' Pretend to lose interest in him and gain interest in outside activities. This will force him to earn back his priority status and lavish you with affection. It is an age-old cat-and-mouse game that does not fail. However, there is a high cost to this choice. Your game will go on indefinitely, and this game played to infinity becomes tiresome and annoying.

Second, there is 'straight-up honesty.' Tell him you are frustrated and his lack of attention makes you feel lonely. Urge him to maintain some kind of significant effort on the affection front and clearly communicate that such attention is a priority for you. This approach is rarely effective and, in fact, has already failed you.

Third is the 'suck-in by example.' This gambit has a fifty-fifty shot. You need to significantly up your level of physical attention and try to get him acclimated to that amount of physical contact, in the hope that he will get used to your level and crave it himself. It's worth a try.

Your long-terms odds here aren't great, to be blunt. You will need to try a range of little fixes and see what works. You may also want to readjust your expectations if you think this is the guy you want forever.

Back to TopAsk Us

His view:

Dear Rejected,

There is a substantial difference between being 'comfortable' and being 'bored.' Comfort should lead to relaxation, which leads to impulsiveness, which usually leads to fun. Instead of having fun, he appears to be treating you like a household pet, or a charm, occasionally rubbing you for good luck.

We know he doesn't lack creativity, since he has already demonstrated playfulness in the past. What he lacks is challenge. What he means by, 'I am used to you now' is that you are free for his taking. In fact, you are not only ready whenever he is, but you are constantly shoving the goods in his face as if you were on sale—'fifty percent off, come and get me!'

Not good. Not a good approach. Try this instead: Make yourself scarce. Give him space. Don't pester him for physical attention. Play a bit hard-to-get. Make him work for it: Make him appreciate what he has.

Back to TopAsk Us


You Vote!

You Vote! 18% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 82% with HIS VIEW.

Not enough men have voted yet.

You Vote! Do you agree more with HER VIEW or HIS?

Are you... Female or Male?


Post your view

Search Archives

Email to a Friend


 

Main    Ask Us a Question    Express Advice    Archives

Magazine    Gallery    Advice    Forum    Home

Copyright © 2000 - 2017 Conversely, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Contact Us.
Designated trademarks and brands are the property of their respective owners.
Use of this Site constitutes acceptance of the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy.