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Parallax - Advice

February 4, 2002

The Heart of the Matter

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It's been said there are three sides to any love story - her side, his side and the truth. The problem with discovering the truth in matters of the heart is plain and simple - love is blind and the truth hurts. This week, our trusted advisors have their work cut out as they sort fact from fiction to get to the heart of the matter.




Friend or fiend?
Deutsche jerk!
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She broke up.
He broke down.
 Date: 02/04/02

Seeing red.
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 Date: 02/04/02

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Bar

Friend or fiend?

Dear Conversely,

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For three months, I intensely dated a German professor with a PhD. Both of us are unmarried and in our late 30s. He is a bit of a control freak (wanting complete control of sex) and little things about me bother him. Now he still wants to see me, but says we should be 'just friends.' He says he's still attracted to me, but that it will never work out because he is uneasy around me. Twice, when we went out, he grilled me on whether I found a man attractive, and pointed out how he likes his girlfriends to dress (pretty sleazy). I find it hard to believe this one just wants to be friends. Usually a control freak draws back when they can't control someone, especially if they won't adapt (he basically wants me submissive - not a good idea). What are his intentions? Should I just run from this one?


Her view:

Dear Intuitive,

Oh, I cannot believe this is even a question. Run, run for the hills. Run far - do not look back. Don't even leave the door open for friendship. This guy will, over time:

a) Decrease your self-esteem.

b) Make you neurotic about everything.

c) Drive you crazy.

d) Make sex an unpleasant event.

He is a hands-down jerk. I can think of a few reasons as to the source, but no need to delve. He is the worst kind of boyfriend; in short he a jerk.

I think I've been clear. Hopefully you are not still debating.

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His view:

Dear Intuitive,

What is it about the nutty professor that you like? You must like something about him - and a lot. Otherwise you would already have deleted his email and erased his phone number and we wouldn't be sitting here wondering what "Control Freak's" intentions really are. But since you ask...

Let me see. He's thinking you're the one - the one he wants to marry. Yes, that must be it. He's just putting you through a test right now. He says he wants to be friends because of course he wants to be friends with his wife before he marries her. And he says he's uneasy around you just to see if you agree - because that would disqualify you. He says it would never work out between the two of you but don't worry. That's simply his strange way of saying he thinks he is falling in love with you.

No, wait, no. I've got it! He thinks you're too good for him and wants to introduce you to one of his hugely successful and amazing single friends. But he has so many that he wants to find out what kind of men you find attractive before he selects.

Or, even better - he actually doesn't like sleazy girls at all, but he suspects you might be one. That is why he's going on and on about it. And he also doesn't like submissive women, so don't fall for that one either.

All in all, as my dear misguided colleague will no doubt contradict, you have found yourself a winner. And he's German PhD, too - what luck you have.

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67% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 33% with HIS VIEW.

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