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Parallax - Advice

October 29, 2001

It's Your Move

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Erica Jong wrote, 'Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.' This week, it's quite apparent that the people seeking advice know the answers to their problems. But instead of making their moves, they're playing dumb. Our Relationship Refs explain the ground rules.


He can't remember.
She can't forget.
 Date: 10/29/01

My boyfriend's back.
It's time to go, girl!
 Date: 10/29/01

There goes the bride...
The honeymoon's over.
 Date: 10/29/01

More from last week...
Bar

He can't remember

Dear Conversely,

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After a drunken night out I ended up in bed with a girl who is a good friend and (until that night) entirely a platonic friend. I don't think anything happened, but I'm not sure. I never thought much about hooking up with her, at least not seriously. Since that night she's been acting all weird. I asked her if anything happened and I think that angered her more. Now she's acting very aloof and doesn't return my calls. What should I do?


Her view:

Dear Amnesia,

Well, you can be sure you have, in fact, done something. Oh well...oops...things happen. There is nothing you can do about it now, save apologize.

Tell her you're sorry for whatever you did. Say that her friendship means a lot to you. Explain you were quite inebriated and ask her to excuse your shenanigans - whatever they were. Hopefully you aren't the love of her life, so she can accept this and move on.

However, it does seem that she holds a little torch for you. Otherwise, she would not be miffed about you clearly forgetting your little foray. Keep this in mind and be sensitive.

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His view:

Dear Amnesia,

You slept with her. Whenever you're not sure, assume the worst. You can worry later about why you don't remember. But the last thing you want to do is show her how unmemorable the evening was for you…even though it seems to have been pretty forgettable.

There are a couple of important things you must do. First, you need to get her to talk to you. My guess is a couple of weeks will pass before she admits to herself how stupidly she is acting. Give her the time and then start pestering her again. And this is where the second strategy comes in.

She's taking this too seriously. A hookup is a hookup. Alcohol and sex go hand-in-hand, and if she can't deal with that - with a happy face and a little rouge in the cheeks - then she needs a few more hookups. If you start taking it too seriously by getting all worked up about her apparent anger and aloofness, you'll just reinforce her feelings.

So, joke about it. Make light of it. Make references to it that only she will understand - in public. Get her to laugh. Once she does, you can find out what really happened.

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You Vote! 92% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 8% with HIS VIEW.

33% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 67% with HIS VIEW.

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