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Parallax - Advice

May 7, 2001

Blinded by Love

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It's often said that love is blind because people in love tend to see things that aren't there, rather than to see things the way they actually are. This week, all three letter writers have blinded themselves into thinking they're in love or that someone should be in love with them. The first has fallen for a friend; the second is trying to contact his ex; and the third wants to believe that a one-night-stand was something more. Our trusted advisors offer new visions.

Falling for a friend.
It's a long way down!
 Date: 05/07/01

Scared speechless.
Just dial, dammit!
 Date: 05/07/01

A night to remember?
Or a one-night-stand?
 Date: 05/07/01

More from last week...

Falling for a friend

Dear Conversely,

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In the past few months, I have fallen in love with my friend. She lives 500 miles away so we only see each other once every month or so. We used to talk constantly and we've had a few intimate moments. After six years of friendship I realized that I wanted to be more than 'just friends.' After seeing her a few weeks ago I decided to visit her, only to find that she has a new boyfriend and has lost interest in me. Maybe I just misread her (imagine that?) but I really thought our attraction was mutual. To make a long story short, I messed up big time. Seeing the girl I've fallen in love with all over some guy was too much to take and I stormed out of the club. Later, I called and expressed my feelings on her voicemail. I'm now depressed because I think I've lost a good friend as well as the person I love. I haven't spoken to her since, but she now knows my real feelings. What will become of this? Should I just steer clear and wait for her to respond?

Her view:

Dear Stormy,

Well I can assure you that your friendship will never be the same - not with that outburst. You will have to give her some time and see if she comes around.

It's a lot for her to think about. First you were her buddy, then you hit on her, and now you have temper tantrums. I'd say it was a misread on your part to think she had strong romantic feelings for you. That is easy to do with friends because there is a certain amount of intimacy to begin with.

Sit back. My guess is she will come around when she begins to miss her buddy and regrets the slip altogether. You might want to drop her an e-mail or note of apology, letting her know that you are sorry about the outburst. This way, she doesn't forever write you off as some psycho. If she doesn't respond within a few weeks, I'm afraid there really isn't a lot you can do.

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His view:

Dear Stormy,

If you really love her (and this isn't just some temporary insanity because you got lonely) then you have only one choice - go after her. You've probably already lost her as a friend, so you don't have much more to lose.

Unless she is madly in love with her new boyfriend, and has found in him the 'perfect man,' I doubt she will simply dismiss you. After six years, she must value you as a friend. Although it may be difficult for her to see you as a potential boyfriend, she is more likely to be open to the possibility than if you barely knew her.

You'll need to be firm, persistent, clever, and charming. Leverage your knowledge of her as a friend to your advantage. Leverage the distance as well. Stay in her life via e-mail, fax, letters, gifts, and occasional voicemails. Don't stalk. Pull back once in a while, and allow her time to think. Give her avenues to reestablish contact. Consider offering to move to her city. If you love her so, you should be willing to do that. Maybe one of the reasons she started with the new boyfriend was to make you jealous...

And don't listen to my colleague if she tells you to drop it: she understands love as well as she does astrophysics.

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You Vote! 65% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 35% with HIS VIEW.

33% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 67% with HIS VIEW.

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