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Parallax - Advice            March 5, 2001

The Controlling Factor

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Inside most human beings lies a little 'control freak.' Those who refuse to leave things to chance believe the adage, 'If you aren't in control, you're out of control.' This week, three women ask about taking charge of issues in their lives: one has lost control of a relationship; one wants to control unwanted attention; and the third is in a situation where she has no control at all. Do our gurus of guidance have the answers?

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Just don't use me!
 Date: 03/05/01

The art of flirting.
Without hurting.
 Date: 03/05/01

Dating single dads.
Dos and don'ts.
 Date: 03/05/01

More from last week...

I can use you...

Dear Conversely,

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I've been seeing this guy for a month now. In the beginning I only desired him sexually, while he said he saw me as 'wife-material.' Then we realized we weren't compatible, so we decided to be 'just friends' and see where things went. Now he's made it plain that all he wants is a sexual relationship, just when I've started to see past his physical aspects. I find it a little disturbing that now he only wants that. Why have the tables turned? After emotionally opening up to him, I didn't expect him to say that!

Her view:

Dear Upset,

Why does not matter. You aren't aligned - end of story! Let it go. Move on to another guy. This relationship wasn't right from the start for either of you. There's nothing worse than being used for sex when you're really interested in having a serious relationship. This will only bring you pain and suffering.

By the way, have you thought that your sudden interest in him might be because he only wants sex and not a relationship? Perhaps he is just too hard to get and this is exciting for you. That sort of thing usually works like a charm.

Maybe he still wants a relationship, but the only way for you to sleep with him is to say he is on your level. Perhaps he is just saying this to get even. ('Yeah, well, I'm using you too.') There are lots of theories as to the why but who cares? You are the one worrying and writing in to an advice column. Enough...just bail.

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His view:

Dear Upset,

Here is where my misguided colleague will implore you to come to your senses and find yourself a man who treats you the way you deserve. As usual, she'll be missing the point.

Though you may feel that you have gone from 'wife-material' to sex object in one month, the truth is that nothing has necessarily changed. A man can think a woman is 'wife-material' and still want only a sexual relationship with her, just like a woman can recognize the value of a good pair of shoes even though she's not ready to buy them. The fact he said you were 'wife-material'* didn't necessarily mean that he wanted you to be his wife.

Granted, it's also possible that after learning of your initial, purely earthen desires, he downgraded you from 'angel in heaven' to 'tramp from Hell.' He wouldn't be the first man to change his mind after seeing past the physical aspects. Maybe this will teach him to keep his opinions to himself until he's sure he knows what he's talking about - and teach you not to believe the first thing a guy says.

* Did he actually say this, literally? If so, you may indeed deserve better.

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You Vote!

You Vote! 67% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 33% with HIS VIEW.

75% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 25% with HIS VIEW.

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