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Parallax - Advice            February 26, 2001

Net Losses

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If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. You win some; you lose some. This week we meet people dealing with losses. One woman's weight gain has her trying to lose pounds before she loses her mate; another has lost all desire for sex; and a man wants to lose his current girlfriend, but she thinks he's lost his mind! Can our love experts turn the tables?

It's a weighty issue...
And he's losing interest.
 Date: 02/26/01

She's lost her sex drive...
She might lose her man!
 Date: 02/26/01

He lost his head.
Can he ditch her?
 Date: 02/26/01

More from last week...

It's a weighty issue...

Dear Conversely,

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My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years. I recently gained a little weight (twenty pounds), but started working out to get rid of it, and I also started eating better. Last night my boyfriend came home and wanted to talk. He says he is not attracted to me anymore, and doesn't look at me the way he used to. However, he says that he is still in love with me and wants to be with me forever. I do not understand how you can be with someone if you are not attracted to him or her. Please explain.

Her view:

Dear Losing It,

Well that's love. Since you've put on weight your physique has changed, but who you are has not. He sounds like a pretty good guy to stick it out, given your extra layer. Perhaps as you thin back to your normal weight he will once again be attracted to you, because it sounds as if this is a reaction to your temporary weight gain. If it's not corrected with your diet and exercise regimen, you may have a significant problem on your hands. A relationship cannot continue indefinitely without attraction.

Why don't you find out why he's not attracted to you? That way, you can confirm it's the weight thing. Stay on course to correct this situation (it's unhealthy anyway) and see if things change. It sounds like he loves you a lot, and is just being honest - maybe he's trying to give you the impetus you need to shed those extra pounds.

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His view:

Dear Losing It,

I'm afraid there's not much to explain. What he just said is that he wants you to lose weight. The apparent contradiction in his statements can only be resolved if he becomes attracted to you again. In other words, the diet and workout regimen needs to be stepped up a notch or two.

The good thing is that he hasn't started break-up procedures yet. Two years are not easily dismissed, and it's obvious you also want to lose the weight - you've already started working out. So, there's no philosophical disagreement on the issue (and please don't let my high-minded colleague persuade you otherwise).

Begin by telling him about your current efforts. Have you mentioned them to him? Maybe he can help with diet or workout ideas, or at least provide encouragement. In any case, if you aren't making obvious progress, at least tell him you are trying.

At the end of your reduced-calorie days, make sure you are doing this for yourself - not for him.

Also... read this related advice or this article.

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You Vote! 20% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 80% with HIS VIEW.

75% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 25% with HIS VIEW.

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