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Parallax - Advice            February 12, 2001


Dos and Don'ts

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When it comes to love, there's only one thing to do - love, love me do - but do it right! And that means you don't pressure love, you don't coerce love, you don't trap love and you certainly don't force love. This week, every letter writer is suffering because they love someone who doesn't love them - at least, not the way they want to be loved. Can our Gurus of Guidance show them how to do it?


She just wants a friend.
He wants more.
 Date: 02/12/01

They promised to do...
Now they don't.
 Date: 02/12/01

One night of bliss?
Or a one-night-stand?
 Date: 02/12/01

More from last week...
Bar

She just wants a friend

Dear Conversely,

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I met a wonderful woman this summer who is very intelligent, attractive and has a great sense of humor. She is twenty and I am twenty-nine. We got along immediately, and after just a week I told her that I liked her a lot. She said I was a great guy, but she just wanted to be friends. For the past five months we've spent a lot of time together at parties, theaters, and movies, talk a lot on the phone, and sometimes I give her presents. I've never concealed the fact that I really love her and want a relationship. Recently, she confided that, although she has strong feelings for me, the 'timing' is off. She said in two years time she'd probably be interested, and hinted that she'd like to keep the relationship we now have. I'm really lost here because she obviously has feelings for me, but due to her age she probably wants to have more out of her twenties. I like her as a friend, but it's hard to calm down with the feelings I have for her. Should I try meeting other women to get some distance, or maybe provoke a reaction from her?


Her view:

Dear Almost-thirty,

I think you should try meeting other women for your own sanity, not to provoke a reaction from her. The age difference is significant - at your age, nine years matters. She'll want to go through the phases of being frivolous, dating, having fun with the girls - and more. She isn't in the mindset that you'd like her to be. You're all serious about her (thinking about marriage and the like), and she's simply enjoying life at twenty.

It could be a very long and painful haul for you. I don't think you're ready to go out with her while she dates around and finds herself. Not if you like her as much as you do - that would be traumatic for you.

Be selfish and preserve your own heart - at least for now. Spend time with other women. You might even like someone as much as you like her - but someone who is closer to your own age.

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His view:

Dear Almost-thirty,

There's something so fresh and vital about women in their early twenties. I don't blame you for falling for her.

It's a bummer she's so young. If she wasn't, I'd encourage you to err on the side of romance, and keep trying, but the practical realities are too much. I mean, who are you trying to kid?

Your idea of meeting other women is good, but I'd suggest you add 'my age' to the description. Who knows? You might provoke a reaction from her, but it sounds like she's too smart to let that change her mind.

Your friend is very mature for a twenty-year-old. She also sounds too reasonable to be in love with you, which explains why she doesn't want a relationship. Keep in touch with her, but let her finish out her college years.

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You Vote! 73% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 27% with HIS VIEW.

43% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 57% with HIS VIEW.

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