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Parallax - Advice            January 15, 2001

Friends and Lovers

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This week the focus is on friendship. Can friends become lovers or vice versa? Should a guy invite a female friend to visit when he's got more on his mind than friendship? If you want your lover to come back, is friendship the only road-to-reunion? And what about office politics? Should the boss do more than mentor? Read on for some friendly advice from our platonic pair.

Just friends...or more?
A fly-out will find out.
 Date: 01/15/01

Jealousy drove her away...
Will friendship lure her back?
 Date: 01/15/01

Boss or friend or lover?
...or all three?
 Date: 01/15/01

More from last week...

Just friends...or more?

Dear Conversely,

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I am super-in-love with this girl who lives 3,000 miles away and has a boyfriend. I've known her for three years and we see each other on-and-off as friends, but now I think she has a thing for me too. Last month I finally decided to do something, so I invited her to come visit me over New Year's. I didn't think she would accept, but she did. Now she's coming and she says she's very excited. I asked if her boyfriend would mind, but he's going on some 'European thing' so he won't be around. Anyway, now I don't know what to do or what to plan. Can you help?

Her view:

Dear Big-planner,

What's to plan? What are you thinking - a New Year's Eve putsch? She has a boyfriend, and I'm guessing the reason she has a boyfriend is because she likes him. It appears to me that she's on that 'hottie, but unavailable' list, and this list can only wreak havoc in your life. You may get your opening when she is 'sans boyfriend,' but right now - it sounds like she is 'with boyfriend.'

Having given you that disclaimer, she is spending New Year's Eve apart from him (a big couple's holiday, I might add). This might spell trouble on the home front, and may be your opportunity to strike, but be very careful not to make a fool of yourself and cause her all sorts of upset. My guess is the words 'I like you' are stenciled across your forehead, so she's probably aware of your feelings (girls usually figure these things out).

Take it slowly and follow her lead - she may be thinking of you simply as a friend, but if you get a clear cue from her, launch in. Have your engagement ring in hand and pounce. (Just kidding, of course). Seriously? A subtle swoop for a small smooch might go over well. It is New Year's Eve - what a perfect excuse. Best of luck.

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His view:

Dear Big-planner,

Man, you've won the lottery! Don't underestimate what this means. You've been looking for a chance, and - whether consciously or not - she's giving it to you. I suspect she has some feelings for you as well, so I would expect her to be open to possibilities.

Take nothing for granted. You must manage things well and ensure she has a great time. Make plans that allow her to relax, meet your friends, and get to know you better. Be careful it doesn't feel staged - play it by ear and remain flexible, depending on what she enjoys and what activities work out best for the two of you as a couple.

This time together will also help you get to know more about her. Perhaps your super-in-love feelings will get stronger, or maybe you'll cool off a bit. In any case, don't make any outward declarations of love unless she is clearly feeling the same way about you. Instead, let her go back home with memories of you...and a gaping hole in her chest.

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You Vote! 40% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 60% with HIS VIEW.

18% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 82% with HIS VIEW.

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