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Parallax - Advice            December 11, 2000


Don't worry. Be happy.

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Being in love should be a happy experience. Should be. This week we meet three people who are in relationships that make them worried and unhappy. There's the unfaithful groom; the guy who may have a fighting chance in his war of love; and the young woman obsessed with 'three little words.' Can our able advisors help them find true happiness?


Faithful newlywed?
How's two weeks?
 Date: 12/11/00

Bridging the cultural gap.
Is love worth it?
 Date: 12/11/00

She says, 'I love you.'
But he won't.
 Date: 12/11/00

More from last week...
Bar

Faithful newlywed?

Dear Conversely,

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My husband and I got married two weeks ago. The other night he got really drunk and had sex with another woman. He told me right away, and he feels really, really bad. I want to work things out, but I don't know how to stop thinking about it. My imagination just runs wild - I'm driving myself crazy because we had the best relationship in the world. Now everybody around us is in total shock. What should I do? Please help me.


Her view:

Dear Cheated,

Wow, two weeks - that sets some sort of record. The good news is: he told you. The bad news is: you need to decide if you can live with him, now that you know. If you had the 'best relationship' and this was one stupid transgression, I think you can forgive and forget.

Everyone makes mistakes, even really big ones. I know it's tough, but it sounds like you love each other a lot. Let's say he had a day of total stupidity. Let it go, and try to work it out. If you really love each other you can overcome this - but only once. The issue (as I see it) will be if it surfaces again. In that case you'll have a major philanderer on your hands, and that behavior certainly can't continue. If you see this again, get out in a hurry.

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His view:

Dear Cheated,

You could 'forgive' him and move on, but who will that fool? You won't really forgive him, and you may even encourage him to trip up again.

There's no getting around it - your hubby is a gem. First, he manages to disavow his vows in less than a month. Then he tries to make it seem not so bad, by coming clean. Perhaps he learned from presidential mistakes.

Even if he does feel 'really, really bad,' his reaction appears to be panicky, rather than heart-felt. Deep remorse takes time to build up. If you breeze over this issue, he might think that it wasn't such a big deal after all.

I think the key here is reasonable penance. Perhaps a temporary separation will help him think through his actions, and give you time to let the up-down reactions filter through your system.

After a few weeks, if you still want to work things out, give him an opportunity to beg for forgiveness. By that point you'll be better able to judge whether he truly regrets his actions, or whether he regrets ever telling you about them.

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You Vote!

You Vote! 31% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 69% with HIS VIEW.

20% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 80% with HIS VIEW.

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