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Parallax - Advice            December 4, 2000

Control Freaks

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Why do some people let others control them? And why do some people want to control others? What pushes people to be doormats or domineers? This week, all three writers face power struggles: one is being controlled; one is losing control; and one wants control. Our gurus of guidance answer the call.

The classic doormat...
Get up and get out.
 Date: 12/04/00

She's confident - he's not.
Can they co-exist?
 Date: 12/04/00

Break-up? No voicemail.
Talk it out, guys.
 Date: 12/04/00

More from last week...

The classic doormat...

Dear Conversely,

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For the last ten months I dated a man who was engaged-to-be-married. He had been with this woman for about eight years and they had a house and pets together. He loved her, but for several months he told me that he was in love with me, and not in love with her. During that time we grew very close and he became my best friend.

This past weekend, he married her. I went to the wedding and was able to control my emotions - for the most part. He never really told me that he was going through with it - he kept on saying that he still hadn't decided. Now that they are married, he's still telling me how much he loves me and that he'll make all of my pain worthwhile. I don't want to be the one to destroy any chance of happiness, but I know that he won't be faithful to her. I feel bad, because she is really sweet and the only problem I have with her is that she has what I want most. Should I maintain the friendship, which is just going to keep the wound open, or do I move on with my life, and account this as 'better luck next time.'

Her view:

Dear Miss Used,

Run. This guy is a jerk and you will end up crying over him again and again. I promise this situation can only go from bad to worse. First of all, he is a cheater, and he won't leave her (his wife that is). Secondly, if he left her for you, and married you tomorrow, eventually he would cheat with someone else. He is selfish beyond all reprieve. I already hate him.

Go meet a nice guy. There are plenty in the world. You will miss him for a while and that's normal. You'll want to go back. It will feel like it sucks - and it will - but in a few months you'll be well past it. You'll be meeting new people and you'll even meet a better guy. You're starting at the bottom so things can only go up from here. Run like the wind and don't look back - not even once.

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His view:

Dear Miss Used,

I vote for 'better luck next time.'

Let's assume he is in love with you as he claims. Maybe he doesn't love his wife. Maybe he married her for other reasons. He thinks they are more compatible as a couple in the long term. He'd rather have her as the mother of his children. Or perhaps he loves her too, and feels more invested in the relationship with her.

In any case, she is his priority, and you are not. You are the one to whom he lied - she's the one he married. How much clearer does this need to be?

He's never going to leave her for you. Even if he did, nothing will ever change the fact that he chose her over you. You can be many things to him. Best friend? Sure. Lover? Maybe. But number one gal?

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You Vote!

You Vote! 71% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 29% with HIS VIEW.

100% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 0% with HIS VIEW.

You Vote! Do you agree more with HER VIEW or HIS?

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