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Parallax - Advice            November 20, 2000


All the Wrong Moves

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Do you ever find yourself looking for the right move...but you don't know which way to turn? These writers do. There's the man whose girlfriend wants to move in - but he doesn't want the hot temper she'll bring with her furniture; a woman who made a really, really dumb move; and an egoist who thinks his girlfriend is impeding his corporate image. Will our able advisors offer all the right moves?


Moving in or moving on?
It's all riding on her temper.
 Date: 11/20/00

When should she make a move?
Not at three A.M.!
 Date: 11/20/00

A corporate mover's dilemma...
His suit fits, but his girlfriend doesn't.
 Date: 11/20/00

More from last week...
Bar

Moving in or moving on?

Dear Conversely,

Email to a Friend I guess the problem I am faced with is that my girlfriend is pushing to move in with me, which does make me happy but I am afraid of her short fuse and hot temper. I have asked her numerous times to be more easy going and not flip out so fast about the smallest things. One of those is my good parenting relationship with my ex - my girlfriend only sees my ex as a predator.

Should I be the one who bears the load of her low self-esteem and nervousness? Or should I just take the bull by the horns and move on, before she becomes a live-in person and I have to deal with a possible divorce down the road?


Her view:

Dear Cold Feet,

Well if you're already pondering the threat of divorce, I'd say it's not a great situation to have her move in. What you describe does not sound like the healthiest relationship - that said, if you think you love her and that you have a shot at working it out, there's no reason to cut bait now.

Why don't you work on improving the relationship and debate the merits of the 'living together idea' when things between the two of you are a little more solid? Then have her move in, and see how it goes - you don't have to get married just because she moved in. I'd certainly hold off on the second divorce by not diving into marriage lightly.

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His view:

Dear Cold Feet,

The easy out for you (and also for me as opinion-giver) would be to give her the shove, and move on to happier, less hot-tempered pastures. I'm sure my misguided colleague will advise you to let her go.

Before doing that, however, it may be fair to give her situation some thought. Can you honestly say you have no interest at all in your ex? Is it just a good parenting relationship, or is there more to your girlfriend's fear than little goblins preying on her low self-esteem?

Maybe the reason she is pushing to move in is because she will feel more secure in that situation. She may become less nervous as a live-in steady girl, thus helping to improve your relationship. If you don't have any subconscious intentions with your ex and you are committed to this girl, why not give the relationship a chance?

On the other hand, you don't want to give her a false sense of security. Don't move her in if three months later she's going to find out that you're shacking up with your ex. Taking the bull by the horns would not be enough to extricate you from that one...

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You Vote!

You Vote! 29% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 71% with HIS VIEW.

14% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 86% with HIS VIEW.

You Vote! Do you agree more with HER VIEW or HIS?

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