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Parallax - Advice            September 25, 2000


   Men on a mission!

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Step aside, these guys are out for love. And sex. And two girls at once, if they can manage. This week's column features fine and worthy pearls of wisdom from our SHE-HE advisors. They propose critical strategies for a lady whose man has put her on the 'back burner' because she wouldn't try the S&M thing. They help a confused lady understand what it means that her cheating boyfriend e-mails his former lover. But first off, advice for a guy willing to do anything to get his woman back.


He lost her by not doing the 'little things.'
Should he go all-out for the recovery? Can he be convincing?
 Date: 09/25/00

He cheated, she took him back.
Does she let him chat with his lover, or does she call it quits?
 Date: 09/25/00

Very nice girl squares off with Mr. Sex Shop.
Good combo, or miserable mix?
 Date: 09/25/00

More from last week...
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He lost her by not doing the 'little things'

Dear Conversely,

Email to a Friend My girlfriend of one year and three months broke up with me two months ago. She broke up because she said I didn't show I care and I didn't do the 'little things.' I've realized it now and I know I was wrong and I told her that. Right before she broke up with me, she mentioned that we might give it another try later in life. She still calls me regularly and recently told me she still doesn't know if she made the right decision and she still misses me sometimes. One week later I find out she's dating another guy who she seems to be happy with. She tells me she doesn't see a future with him and likes him only as a friend but I hear otherwise. I love her and want her back more than anything but don't want to be strung along anymore. Should I be mean about it and just tell her if it's not me just don't call me anymore, or should I not say anything and just see what happens?


Her view:

Dear Mister Regret,

I'm sure my esteemed colleague will tell you to cut bait - but that would be the guy view. Why don't you just tell her the truth? She broke up with you because she thought you were mean. More of the same will confirm her assessment. She'll only feel confident and self-righteous in her decision - and you'll never work your way back in at that point.

If you tell her you want her back more than anything and will do whatever it takes to make her happy, I bet she'll saunter back. That's what she's wanted all along. The fact that she broke up with you over these items - little things, 'I love yous,' notes on the bathroom mirror, etc., indicates that she needs more of that - not a slap.

If you truly want her back - then deliver. Deliver on what you said you would work on. Express yourself openly. Be vulnerable. Love her to death. Buy her flowers and get to work on those writing skills. Surprise her - she may see you in a whole new light. This other guy is a non-interest, she's just curious and bored. If he were so hot, she wouldn't be missing you. She wants you back, just on her terms. So work a little to get the girl of your dreams - there's only upside. 'Girls of your dreams' don't come around that often.

Just bear in mind that you should pursue her, but only to a reasonable point. Don't turn into a crazed stalker. If you give it the old college try - and that is a fully committed, 100%, devoted, loving, selfless effort - and you still fail - then let her go.

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His view:

Dear Mister Regret,

Saying you are sorry and proving it are distant, almost unrelated activities. It's not enough to call her and say you were wrong. I wouldn't believe you. Would you believe yourself?

And realizing you were wrong is definitely not the same as changing your behavior. Why didn't you show you cared, why didn't you do the little things? If you are not the most sensitive, expressive type, what makes you think you'll change once she really takes you back? I wouldn't believe you could. Can you?

Getting strung along sucks, even when you know you deserve it. If you honestly want to change and make another attempt, I suggest you do something over-the-top special for her. Something that only her boyfriend of almost one-and-a-half years would know to do - but don't shove yourself in her face. Stay in the background, let your gesture speak for itself. Offer it up as a sign that you have changed. Then be quiet and just see what happens.

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You Vote!

You Vote! 68% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 32% with HIS VIEW.

50% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 50% with HIS VIEW.

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