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Parallax - Advice            June 26, 2000

   I'm so hot for her...

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So many things can go awry in the world of dating, it's a blessing to know the cool-headed, unbiased advice of Conversely's SHE-HE team is just a click away. This week a couple of distraught ladies consult us on the best ways of dealing with one very sensitive guy and another very insensitive one that wants to have group sex. But before that, our first question comes from a guy who's plain confused by the antics of the girl he loves.

She's so hot, she's so cold.
Is he her standby man, or is she struggling to make a genuine decision?
 Date: 06/26/00

Boyfriend invites her to group sex.
Time for a new boyfriend - or chance of a lifetime?
 Date: 06/26/00

She's dating super-sensitive guy.
- Does she cut her losses, or can tender care cure his insecurities?
 Date: 06/26/00

More from last week...

She's so hot, she's so cold

Dear Conversely,

Email to a Friend I need to understand, if someone close for two-and-a-half years starts to go hot and cold, then when you back off and give them space, why do they come back in? How can you find a even keel? I love her and for sure she loves me. She has had six months to let go, call it off, or just disappear - so why is she still around and why do we still run into each other by accident, and then the feelings come back hard? Why do women need to push away to see if you're the right one?

Her view:

Dear Pushed,

She likes the idea of you. She likes to have the option of someone who loves her always being around - it makes her feel secure. She also cares for you a great deal so it's nice to have you in her life - at least in some way. My guess is she is not ready to commit and she's pursuing some other folks either for fun or real interest.

I think you should make a clean break and get on with your life. Start seeing someone new. She's not the last girl on Earth. I'm sure just when you've settled in with a new girlfriend she'll want to marry you. People don't like to see their options disappear as it makes them uncomfortable - that's probably why she pulls you back and forth. But that's not undying love - it's a need for what's safe and comfy. You should have undying love.

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His view:

Dear Pushed,

What you're asking for here is insight into the convoluted psyche of a person in love, a woman no less, and this is a perilous path. Perhaps my colleague will offer you some revealing morsel of universal truth - but I wouldn't count on it.

My best guess is she can't decide whether she really loves you deeply enough to settle on you as Mr. Right. Could there be something in her past that makes her afraid of deciding - maybe she was badly mistaken once before and she doesn't feel ready to jump just yet? Or is there something about you that doesn't convince her? Something missing that's not good or bad but simply missing. She pushed you away to help test her feelings - but if she's still hovering, chances are she can't make up her mind.

If I were you, I'd just play it cool and give her more time. I'd see her occasionally, though I would also date other women. But if the ambiguity isn't working for you anymore, if you want a resolution, push for it and then move on. Just make sure whatever you get is a genuine result. You don't want to wake up every day wondering if she's feeling hot or cold. If she can't figure out her emotions, you won't be figuring them out for her either. The 'even keel' you wish for has to come naturally - she has to find it herself; forcing it will probably backfire.

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